The Seven Deadly Sues
by Sueicide
Summary: A delightful parody for those of you sporkers around the world, iori How NOT To Write A Mary Sue.
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer & A/N: I do not own, nor do I pwn Harry Potter. All that goes to J.K. Rowling. This is a joint-account, so be prepared for different writing styles each chapter. This fic is supposed to be making fun of Mary Sues, therefore anything you might read in here and think 'Oh, that's horrible!' is not meant to be taken seriously. Snoogans. _

  
The Seven Deadly Sues

Chapter 1: Angst, Thy Name is Lillith

Lillith Persephone Delavan was never a popular girl at her school. In fact, she didn't even have any friends, the poor thing—everyone always made fun of her because she seemed to constantly drench herself in sorrow. But they didn't know her secret…she had a horrible childhood. Actually, she didn't _have _a childhood; it had been ripped away by the claws of…her **family**.

It just so happened that Mrs. Delavan was an alcoholic _and _a bible-thumper, incidentally. Her "father" got a sex-change when she was nine, and she could never talk to her older sister because all _she_ cared about was her grades, her friends, world peace, and humanity, that bitch. And to top it all off, her family was resident in a city that loved and worshipped God with all their hearts and went to church because they just _had_ to be happy and have fulfillment in their lives. Can you believe that? How could someone detach themselves so far from self-indulgence?

Lillith was thrilled the day she got her letter from Hogwarts--in fact she even flipped off the entire city before she left on the train. Then she realized that she had to come back every summer. So for five years, on it went. _As where our story begins…_

Lillith was always easy to differentiate from everyone else at Hogwarts. It could be her beautiful, long, flowing clarinet-colored hair that reached her waist and complimented her bed sheet skin and chlorine pool eyes. Perhaps it was the brown stains on her bed sheet skin referred to as "freckles". Or it could've been the scars shaped like Lucky Charms all over her left forearm. But it just might be the fact that she was having sporks constantly thrown at her from the moment she got on the train that day starting sixth year.

She woefully trudged her way up through the corridor of the Hogwarts Express looking for a compartment all to herself. Regardless of being shoved this way and that, she kept on. She was used to this treatment by her peers at this point in time. She continued scanning for an open area. _No, there's that Cho girl… _She thought to herself, _The Patil twins and Lavender. Oh, they were so horrible to me all these years… _She passed a series of compartments with members from only a certain house: Hufflepuffs for the first few booths, Ravenclaws in the next few, and so on and so forth. _The Slythershitter bitch with her pimp, Malfoy… Hufflepuffers huddling together lacking talent…_ _Ravenfucks reading, no doubt…and here we are—my Gryffindor housemates that carelessly abuse me. God, the Sorting Hat should've put me in Slytherin…They're dark just like me._ And so, the quest continued for an empty box for Lillith to mope in and listen to Evanescence and Linkin Park, even though it's 1996 and no one, especially in the UK, knows who they are. But ho! None were found. The very last one was with the school's Nerd Society Representative, that dirt-poor redhead, and last and certainly least in Lillith's book, Harry Asshole—

"Potter!" a voice called that interrupted our tragic heroine's thoughts.

None other than Draco Malfoy. He slid open the glass door, his intentions evident. Lillith didn't care who won in the coming verbal or physical spat; she hated Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy equally with all her heart.

Draco got closer to Harry and whispered something in his ear. Harry's eyes began to widen and shift over to Lillith standing in the doorway.

"Got it?" Draco asked. Harry slowly nodded his head in response and repeated what Draco had just told him to his two friends, Ron and Hermione, the two turning their heads to look at Lillith occasionally. She pretended like she couldn't hear, but she did catch a few words. However, she became confused beyond all belief when she heard the words "wangst", "uber-speshul!!11!" and "Sueniverse". Ron and Hermione sat down in their seats and Draco slowly backed away, casting a look of horror in Lillith's direction, and then running for his life.

Lillith looked over to the three friends, "What was he--?" She was, though, cut short of breath when Harry grabbed her by the shoulders and heaved her into the compartment.

"What are you doing?!" Lillith yelled at him.

"Shh," Harry brought his index finger up to his lips and peered over her shoulder through the window behind her. "There's a wild Flobberworm on the loose…Lookout! Rhaw!" Harry looked a fool contorting his face and forming hand-claws on each side of his head. Lillith looked behind her. The train had not yet left the station and all she saw was Mrs. Weasley frantically waving to her son. She raised an eyebrow at Harry and asked him what they really wanted with her. "I thought you didn't like me. No one likes me…"

And thus, the angst meter climbed to a mind-boggling fifty-five out of ten.

Hermione nudged Ron and he stopped twiddling his thumbs, "What? Oh—no, no, we've always thought you were a nice person, Lillith! No need to get all teary. There, there," said Ron in a mechanical voice with Hermione and Harry glaring at him, "We want you to be friends with us. _Best_ friends, even."

"Really?" Lillith looked up.

"No. I mean yes," Ron sputtered before suspiciously rubbing his shin.

"Well, in that case…" Lillith still seemed upset, but then turned happy all of a sudden. Chipper, you might even call it. "You can call me Lil, Lilli (with an 'I'), Lillian, Lillia, Lydia, Persephone, Persie, Sephie, Perphie, Phony, Payphone, Serenity, Moonflower, Nightshade, Dark Goddess, Kitty, Gwendolyn, Gawthiqua, Shaka-maka-laka, or if you didn't catch those, you could just call me Achnak-toughk Lasch Maighlei. Did you hear that right? Like the way Jewish people pronounce Hanukah."

Hermione tried hard to suppress a snide comment about the last thing Lillith said. Ron's eye was twitching, and Harry was chewing on his robes to keep sane. "And just how would that be pronounced again? I mean, because you know _all _about Hebrew," Hermione asked.

Lillith was oblivious to the sarcasm in Hermione's voice, and answered full-heartedly, "Ak(with that snorty gurgly sound at the back of your throat)-nak-took-LASH-myLAY"

Ron whispered to Harry, "I still don't get it."

"Can I make up nicknames for all of you?" Lillith asked in a high-pitched voice.

No response.

"Okay, Hermione, your nicknames are Herm, 'Mione, Nee-Nee, and Wormy-Hermy."

Hermione whimpered, sobbing into Ron's shoulder, "That's what the children in the playground used to call me!"

"Ron, you are Ronniekins, Ronnie-Buns, Ronald McDonald, and Ginger."

"What?! I don't want to be named after one of the Spice Girls!" Ron glanced at his two best friends to help, however, his efforts were in vain, "Er…no…nevermind…I'm fine with that…"

"So, Harry, I'll call you Hair-Bear, Hairy-Back Mary, Pocky Potter, My Little Potter,

or--"

"Look! Uh…" Harry trailed off.

The next thing Lillith knew, she was, for some unknown reason, sprawled out on a bed in the hospital wing. And the back of her head was soaking with an odd mix of blood and a really cheap imitation of Isopropyl. She heard a quite exasperated shriek (?).

"Finally! You're up! Professor Dumbledore needs to see you immediately!"

Apparently, Madam Pomfrey was very enthusiastic to get Lillith down to Dumbledore's office, seeing as by the time she finished her sentence she was chucking Lillith off the balcony to the fountain below, even though the Headmaster's office was in the _other_ direction. But it was all good, Lillith was special in a way where she had super-k00l x-ray vision so she could find her way around easily. When she finally reached Dumbledore's office, before she could even knock, Dumbledore happily greeted her and didn't ask why there was no gargoyle waiting for Lillith to give the password because Lillith is a "special case", as one would call it.

"Now, Lillith," Dumbledore began, "what I am about to tell you is strictly confidential and you mustn't let anyone know. You are to keep all of this information to yourself, and should you repeat it, there shall be grave consequences." He gave a sweeping gasp, "You are really from a pureblood family; the Delavan's were never related to you. You're real parents are Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy and you were conceived in such a way that no one has yet to figure out because Severus and Lucius don't like discussing the drunken night in question. You are the Heiress to the Drak Throne, though you are in no way related to Lord Voldemort—you possess greater powers than any wizard I've ever known, myself included. Harry Potter is your destined soul mate and the only person you will ever be happy with, although he must die at your hands for obvious reasons," Dumbledore finished, gasping for air.

"Uh, sir, didn't you mean _Dark_ Throne?"

"Heavens, no."

"Oh," she murmured.

For a second, Lillith thought she heard faint explosions and blood-curdling shrieks of death emanating from the Great Hall, so she just had to ask, "Professor, what are those noises coming from the Great Hall?"

Dumbledore pretended to be interested, and casually answered, "O, ye of little brains! Only a figment of your imagination."

"Hmm…Okay. Bye!" and so, Lillith skipped back to the Gryffindor common room to tell everyone everything, of course.

After that night, she had all the Gryffindors' sympathy and respect, and brains, for the most part. Which was odd, Lillith thought, because no one ever paid any mind to her before, so why would they be so interested to hear what she has to say now? Oh, well. That didn't matter now, did it? She had her housemates' souls and Harry's "gift" at her dispense. She didn't need much else. But something else was bothering her…

"Lil, what's that on your arm?" Hermione asked one morning, while the Golden _Quartet_ was studying in the Great Hall.

Lillith quickly pulled her sleeve over her forearm hiding her self-inflicted fresh scar in the shape of a pot of gold. "Nothing," Lillith replied, "It's nothing. I fell."

"Really?" Hermione inquired, leaning in. Lillith flinched when she did, but Hermione just sat up and squeaked "Okay."

"Strange…" Lillith murmured as she found herself leaving the Great Hall.

"Lilli, where are you going?" Ron shouted from the other side of the gi-BUNG-ous hall. "Harry and I have an absolutely FABULOUS mix-and-match theory for the girls' uniforms we wanted to test on you, because you're a winter and all…"

Lillith acted as if she couldn't hear Ron or Harry or Hermione or anyone else's plea for her to stay with them, their demonically precious faces beckoning her.

"Why aren't they leaving me alone?" Lillith was now concerned something was wrong at Hogwarts, that something diabolical was about to take place…Oh well. That'll have to wait because Lillith must get to the bathroom as soon as possible so she can keep living up to her standards as "Troubled Heroine." It was just all too perfect when Hermione walked in on Lillith's little art session the next week.

"Lillian? Lillia? Is that you?" Hermione crept into the girl's lavatory, following the sobbing. Slowly, she reached the stall Lillith was in, and creaked open the door, even though it _really_ should've been locked. "Oh my God! Lydia!" Hermione gasped.

Lillith just sat there, weeping with a bleeding arm, whimpering , "It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket…it puts he lotion on, 'Mione!" Lillith threw herself in an embrace with Hermione and cried into her shoulder. Hermione patted her head, still in shock, with Lillith now crying out to the high heavens: "IT PUTS THE LOTION OONNN!!!"

After quite some time of bitch-slapping Lillith out of what Hermione was hoping to be a rare situation, Hermione finally got it out of Lillith why she was doing this.

"Well," Lillith began, "to tell the truth, Herm, it's partially because Voldemort is out looking for me…he wants to kill me! Even more than Harry Potter!" she shed A Single Tear™.

"But, Persephone, Dumbledore said that you were the Heiress to the Drak Throne, so why would Voldemort want to kill you?" Hermione asked, stroking Lillith's perfectly course hair.

"Because my powers are becoming stronger by the minute—in fact, _too_ strong. Voldipants wouldn't allow anyone to have greater powers than he does, with Dumbledore as an exception, and even _if _I'm the Heiress."

"Forgive me for my ignorance, Persie, but this doesn't seem to be making any--"

Suddenly, Lillith's eyes began to flicker with the anger of a thousand angels—or more accurately, spontaneously combust—and she roared, "SILENCE, FILTHY MORTAL! DO NOT QUESTION OUR PLOT-DEVICES!"

"But, Sephie, a plot-device is--"

"YOU FAIL!" Lillith yelled as she brutally whacked Hermione in the face with her black hay-hair.

"I'm sorry I questioned you, Perphie! I swear on my life it will never happen again!" Hermione begged.

And so, Lillith digressed, "You are forgiven, my child. But know this: when the Revolution comes, you'll be the first one I kill."

"Aw!" Hermione huggled Lillith, but soon threw herself off when Lillith growled. "Er," Hermione began, acting as if nothing had happened, "Phony, you said that that was only _partially_ why you did that…What was the other reason?"

Lillith answered in a matter-of-fact tone, "Well, you see, Nee-Nee, The main reason is that I have an exceptional reputation as the the Goth Girl, so I must keep up with it. Tough work, really…"

Hermione, truthfully didn't seem to have a problem with it. She just waltzed right out of the girl's lavatory and back to the Great Hall where she told everyone everything that had happened. The moment Lillith had come back to the Great Hall, however, all eyes were on her. Lillith's pulse began to race and her swimming pool eyes began to produce a salty liquid spewing in a projectile direction, hitting Neville square in the face and sending him flying out the window. At that very moment, someone in the crowd randomly muttered the words "teh family," and Lillith lost it.

"Don't say that word," she whispered.

"Say what word, Lillith?" the students asked her at once, as if one giant entity, "Family?"

"DON'T EVER REPEAT THAT WORD EVER AGAIN!" she bellowed, her voice ringing out through the grounds. She was left panting with her fists in balls, her eyeballs still leaking, though not in a projectile manner. The Hall was silent. No one spoke, but something had to be said when a gargantuan Endless Pit of Doom unexpectedly appeared beneath Lillith in which she fell to what seemed to be her demise.

As soon as it was certain that Lillith had gone, the students all awoke from their canon-raped trances.

"Is it over?" Ron asked Hermione.

"No, Ron. I'm afraid it's not," Hermione spoke in a grave tone.

"Do you know how long this will last?" Harry inquired.

"I don't know, Harry--but this is only the beginning."


	2. Californicator

_Hello, we're back. Well, the second writer is making her introduction. Just to add please beware! I don't usually write this bad nor is my grammar ever this bad. This may trigger seizures and may even cause brain damage._

_Disclaimer: Do I look like I'm on Forbes Rich list? I wish though..._

The Seven Deadly Sues

Chapter Two: Californicator

The noise in the Great hall was louder then usual. There were rumors flying around on broomsticks that there was a student transferring to Hogwarts. According to this mindless chit chat she was supposed to a foreign student and already a sixth year, Harry's year. Which is where our story begins...

"Who do you think this girl is" Ron asked his best friends as they sat at their table, waiting for Professor McGonagall to bring in the first years for the annual sorting. Ron impatiently began tapping his fingers on the table, he was anxious to get the sorting done so that he could get some food into his growling stomach. "What do you think Harry? A demon perhaps"

"Or someone horribly disfigured at birth is my guess" Harry added. Hermione gave the both of them a look of disgust and disbelief. "Rubbish. She is probably someone gifted and had to be transfered here because her old classes were too boring and she just needs a challenge. Don't believe all this 'demon' and 'satanic' nonsense everyone is passing around like STIs." Hermione said.

The door of the Great hall opened and Professor McGonagall led in the first years. Towering over the first years walked a tall girl. She seemed to range in ages between five and thirty. Long _silky _bleached strands of hair grew out of her scalp and exposed toxic UV rays that radiated like the sun. Everyone was taken back by her appearance but what probably scared them the most was her eyes. They were deep oceans with floating, dead sharks that would drown anyone who dared to look into them. In fact there were even first years falling over at the spot because of the exposure. (Later they found that there were five new cases of cancer, incidently) The robes she wore were also distorted. It looked like a scrap book covered with pointless patches, in fact all the patches made her look like she was homeless.

Ron and Harry looked at Hermione with triumphant looks. Hermione's cheeks turned red. "Okay" Hermione yelled. "She's a demon, you two happy"

The Sorting hat was brought out and one by one the always ignored first years were sorted. All the houses clenched their teeth as the stranger approached the stool. McGonagall hastily put the hat on her head. Everyone held their breathe and crossed their fingers.

"Ah, yes well. Pretty empty and dry in here. Except for some spiders and webs. No sign of a mind here. But which house is unfortunate enough to have you" The Sorting hat mumbled loudly.

_Oh well you can put me in Gryffindor, it is so the house where I belong. _The girl thought to the hat.

"Oh, but what did those Gryffindors ever do to you? Harry Potter for goodness sakes has been through enough torment" The hat bowled.

_Fine what about Slytherin? That Draco looks as though he could use a shoulder to cry on and maybe an extra to "rape". _The girl smiled evilly.

"No he isn't that bored he has many many more if he even needed it. What about Hufflepuff? (A/N: OMG! Johnny Depp is so hot!) There hasn't been much demand for that house." The hat insisted.

"Those stupid Hufflepuffers! Are you joking? How dare you think that I'm with those cowards and badgers" The feisty girl yelled.

"Oh Helga Hufflepuff would cast an unforgivable if she heard you" The hat retorted.

"STUT UP" the crazy girl yelled. She threw off the hat in crazed anger and pulled out her wand. "ARARA KADABRA" She yelled attempting to kill the hat.

"GRYFFINDOR" The Sorting yelled in fear. The psychopathic-I mean-lovely girl straightened her clothes and strolled down to the Gryffindor, all the other tables cheered, tears of joy welling in their eyes. The Gryffindors smack their foreheads with the palms of their hands, someone passed around Butter Beer.

The transfer girl searched for an empty seat and found one next to the boy who wished he died. "Hello" the girl said and a very fake English accent. It didn't take an idiot like her to quickly notice all the depression surrounding her. "What's with the sad faces"

Harry, Hermione and Ron, who had kept their faces down"Oh...nothing, they are all just depressed."

"Why"

"Just...b-because. N-nothing." the trio lied.

"Oh...OK! Then." The girl said joyfully. She then suddenly gasped loudly. "Oh my gosh! You're Harry Potter!11!11111!1111!324 323431059109((( 9)))99()))" She yelled as she rudely stared at his scar.

"Yeah, I know..." Harry muttered.

"I'm Marissa btw, Marissa Lovejoy!1!111"

"Is that an actually surname? Hermione asked.

"no i mkade it:)! my other last name was so boring-gosh just take a guess of what it was-gosh i hate it sooooooo much! Cooper! yes Cooper!1 Gosh!11111!1111 And yeah! leike! gosh your gonna be soooooooo freakin' pissed and jealous Im from the OC man! Like the O.C. isn't that just awesome! The O.C. man like the O.C."

"Um...why do you call it "The Orange County"" Hermione asked.

"Oh giggle Its not ThA Orange County! That would be lkei stupid!11! It's actually Malibu, don't like tell any one. Shhhhhh"

Harry Ron and Hermione (commas are your friends), looked at her, completely nauseated (i dnot leki crea if taht wodr is spelled worng) and not impressed.

"Uhhhhh, what a big scar you have" Marissa pointed out the lightning bolt on his forehead.

"Yes, yes we all know. its not going anywhere! you can stop looking already" Hermione exclaimed.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what angst you have" Marissa again picked at Harry. " I like have angst too Harry don't worry!1!1!11 I mean I tear I..." Marissa broke down. " I...can't say it. Please don't make m,e say it"

"Okay, we don't care." Harry said.

"Really" Marissa said with tears in her eyes, her teh black eyeliner dripping down her cheek.

Silence.

"Okay after long persuasion, you talked me into it"

"Damn...Harry make it stop" Ron whispered to Harry.

"It happened when I was just seven. Tears I...had...a...fine i will just say it! My gold fish died" Marissa then broke down into tears and manic cries when her tears started a small flood that drowned two first years.

"Suicide was it" Ron said.

Marissa anime fall

"Oh gosh! you guys are the best" Marissa gasped as the food appeared.

"Apple" Hermione offered.

"No, its too fattening. Ohhhhhhh French fries" Marissa grabbed the whole bowl of greasy fries and started shoving them into her mouth. She then eyed the mustard and sucked it all down as though it were water.

"This is inhuman" Harry cried.

"Oh will you all please excuse me, i have to make my little arrangements with Draco over there" She left the table and trotted over to the Slytherin table.

The trio sighed happily and prayed to Merlin that the Slytherins would kill her. However against their wishes she walked back the Gryffindor table except now covered in tomatoes.

"Oh darn those SlytherinS! Don't they know that I'm a lactose intolerant"

"What does tomatoes have to do with lactose"

"Ummm duh! LocATOSE and tomATOES! see the similarities" Marissa yelled.

Just when the trio really couldn't take anymore, they all couldn't help but notice a black portal opening right behind Marissa. It was _just _like the one that the angst Lillith fell in. The portal was only small now but slowly growing stronger. Harry quickly whispered to his two friends.

Marissa, saddened by the lack of attention yelled really loud"Oh well I think I'm going to go and fix my eye makeup." She stood up from the table and began walking when she noticed a redhead trying not to draw attention to herself. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh Ginny! No wait come back" Marissa ran after her.

"Run Ginny Run! It's the only thing that can save you" Ron yelled.

Marissa had ran out of the Great Hall and without everyone took a deep breathe, knowing that the danger was gone.

"The portal nearly had her! A stubborn one she is" Ron exclaimed, pounding his fist on the table.

"She would have beaten the portal anyway, she's too strong." Hermione said, taking a bite of her food.

"So now what do we do" Ron shouted. Poor poor Ron.

"We have to wait until the portal is strong enough to sustain her and her sueness. Which judging by that scene will take a long time." Hermione informed them.

"We don't have time! You saw her...she's a psycho! And you two saw her eyes! Those sharks are dead man..."

Hermione rubbed her forehead. "Well maybe, there is a way we can help the portal. It will scar us for life but if we do it right then the damage won't be intense. You two up to it"

"For the sakes of Hogwarts and fandoms, yes." Harry said, Ron nodded his head.

"OK we all understand the risks, yes" Hermione cautioned. Harry and Ron looked at each other, worried however they agreed.

"Alright then, I have a plan. We have to weaken her..." Hermione began.

-

Marissa woke the next morning to the beautiful sunshine...from her hair. In actual fact the sky was angry, gray clouds huddled together, bits of thunder and lightning but no rain had fallen yet.

Marissa yawned and put on her Gryffindor robes when she noticed the time she was late! Quickly she put on her makeup. She fixed her hair into a perfect hairstyle. She put on the perfect socks, and her perfect shoes and stared at herself in the mirror for about another five minutes. She then grabbed her bag and run out of her dormitory. Marissa then went into the Great Hall and ate a good and healthy breakfast. Finally she ran out to Hagrid's hut for her first lesson.

Hagrid stood outside his house with a large pen behind him with the students surrounding him. In the pen were several small gray fuzzy-haired creatures. Hagrid opened the lock and with ease toke one of the creatures out, dust particles shook off of the small animal.

"Now jus' need to add tha' Dusties are very paranoid creatures, an' when they are threaten' they will attack ya wil dust. It'll make ya go blind for a lil' bit and ya will start choking if without quick help. How ever tha' Dusties can be good creatures and good in keeping the house clean of dust." Just as Hagrid finished Marissa ran into the field, breathing heavily. The entire class looked toward her in silence, Harry, Ron and Hermione winked at each other-giving the signal.

"LIke I'm sooooo sorry everyone. I could not find the class. So what are we doing" Marissa glanced sideways.

"Um...well. Yes, so I will put you all into groups of two and you're going to deal with the Dusties and get them relaxed." Hagrid then placed everyone into groups. Harry with Ron and Hermione with Marissa. Marissa smiled with glee and Hermione gulped nervously but tried to be calm. She needed to be tolerant for the plan to work. She simpered.

The two girls got their Dusty and moved to a clear spot. "OK what are we supposed to do with these things anyway" Marissa asked holding the Dusty at arms length. "Because its like getting my robes all dusty" Hermione shook her head, hence the name "Dusty" but she remained quiet. "And what are _those?_" Marissa pointed at the box that Hermione held.

"It's a box of dust balls. Our job is to throw them at it."

"Why" Marissa asked, setting the Dusty down in the grass.

"That's how you deal with them when they are threatened. You throw things at them. It eats Dust balls so it will make it happy." Hermione looked towards Ron and Harry for reassurance. They both smiled maliciously and gave a thumbs up. "Simple as that. I'll let you go first while I stand back all the way over here." Hermione finished as she took several steps back.

Marissa took the box of dust balls and just as Hermione instructed threw them at the Dusty. The first two hits only got a growl from the little Dusty as it slowly puffed away, trying not to bother with the stupid girl. This worried the trio for a moment, this Dusty was one of the more tolerant ones, brave little heart. However to their delight, the Dusty got annoyed after about five more blows. It turned back to the girl, its eyes angry.

"Ummmm. Hermione! It's getting angrier" Marissa panicked and stupidly threw more balls at it. The creature finally exploded with anger that it started chasing after Marissa. She dropped the box and run for her life. Yelling for help, she run around Hagrid's house and the students however only dragging more Dusties into the chase. When she looked back there were about fifty small creatures huffing and puffing behind her. Finally she gave up and the creatures caught her. The trio ran over the scene while everyone else sat on the ground drinking tea.

The trio shooed the Dusties away and awoke the chocked and dust-full Marissa. They patted her back and she coughed up some dust. "Well...isn't that an experience I don't want to ever repeat" The bell rang. "Oh, glad that's over! So what class do we have next"

"Double potions with the Slytherins." Harry said, for once happy about going to potions.

"ECKq" Marissa said as she picked up her books and followed the three to potions...

-

The four Gryffindors-no wait, I'm sorry. The three _real _Gryffindors and the poser sat down in a row in Snape's dungeon. It was dark and smoke lurked throughout the classroom from potions that were previously made, leaving a sense of foreboding. An odd but familiar odor hovered in the classroom as well, it smelled like heart stunning serum.

Marissa sat there, alone watching the people surrounding her whisper to the person next to them. IN FACT, even her three best friends weren't talking to her. THEY HONESTLY HAD THE NERVE! OH DARN! Marissa shook the thoughts away from her head, she was one-hundred percent Gryffindor after all. The sorting hat said so did it? Fuck ya it did! She then angrily pulled out her green apple ipod mini and started listening to Good Charlotte. Such an angst rok band, man. The song barely hit the chorus when she felt a presence behind her. She turned and saw Snape.

His eyes were like dark tunnels. "There will be no electronics in this class, Miss Lovejoy. Or in this school for that matter." He then took her ipod and threw into a boiling cauldron. The trio smiled, seeing their plan follow through flawlessly. They quickly visioned her reaction.

"HEY YOU MAN-WHORE THAT COST LIKE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS! YOU BETTER PLAY FOR THAT OR LESS I'LL SUE."

"A bit too late for that don't you think" Snape replied about her threat to sue.

"UH! YEAH LIKE RIGHT! DON'T PUSH ME! FIRST I WAS IGNORED BY DAIRY PLANTER AND GROANALD WEASEL THEN WHORE-MY-NEE SENT THOSE STUPID DUSTIES AFTER ME! NOW SOME STUPID INFERIOR OLD MAN IS TELLIN' ME WHAT TO DO AND..." Marissa was interrupted as Snape held up his wand and shot a curse. She fell lifelessly to the ground.

-

"I'm sorry Professor Dumbledore, I don't know how it happened." Snape explained to Dumbledore in the hospital as Marissa slowly sat up in her bed. "Wha...where the hell am I" She mumbled.

"You are in the hospital wing but please if you can Miss Lovejoy come with me into my office. I would like a word with you regarding your future stay at Hogwarts." Professor Dumbledore spoke kindly to Marissa. She stood from her bed and followed him.

After passing through a few halls they finally reached the gargoyle. Dumbledore whispered the password and climbed up the staircase, Marissa following behind in awe. Dumbledore directed her to the seat in front of his desk and he sat down in his own seat.

"Now, Miss Lovejoy I have noticed some rather unlucky occurrences and I have to inform you that you are being deported." Professor Dumbledore spoke easily.

"DEPORTED! WHY! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN! I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPORTED BACK TO AMERICA! I just got here..." Marissa gasped but Dumbledore spoke again.

"I'm sorry if you misunderstood me. You are not being deported back to the United States. You are being deported off the Earth. I'm sorry, terribly sorry Miss Lovejoy." Dumbledore spoke with any other emotion but sorrow. The black portal appeared behind the girl suddenly, Dumbledore didn't dare mention it!

"BUT WHY! IS MY LONDON ACCENT NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I MEAN I CAME TO LONDON BECAUSE VOLDEMORT WAS AFTER ME AND THE U.S. WAS UNSAFE SO I WAS BROUGHT HERE TO THE U.K. TO BE SAFE. AND NOW THIS" Marissa yelled, completely unaware that Hogwarts was located in Scotland not London. The portal grew larger with her growing stupidity. Just a little more.

"Tissue" Dumbledore offered.

"NO! I WON'T TAKE YOUR DAMN TISSUE! AND I'M NOT BEING DEPORTED OFF THE EARTH! YOU AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'M FROM THE O.C. MAN! LIKE THE O.C.! SO THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU OR ANYONE CAN...AHHHHHHH" Marissa's last words as the black portal engulfed her whole. Spicy meat ball. The portal door closed and disappeared. Everything went quiet with relief.

Dumbledore sighed heavily as Harry, Ron and Hermione ran into the office. "Is she gone" they all yelled.

"Everything is alright. The portal opened and took her away. For only now that is. We must prepare ourselves for the next one that presents inside our school. It seems that the sues are becoming stronger then the Pits set to sustain them. I and everyone at Hogwarts appreciates you three's tolerance and bravery. Without it she would still be strong." The three weakly smiled and suddenly worry came over them.

"What will happen when the next one arrives Professor? What happens if we can't weaken her/he or if the portal can't sustain her/he" Harry inquired.

"Only time will answer our questions Harry but for now we need to prepare and enjoy our moment of peace. It is unpredictable when the next one will show itself but the best we can do is be ready for it. The War has been declared."

-That's two down and five more to go... Thank you for Reading.

Signed. Out.


End file.
